Tag Archives: Kurt Vonnegut

“True Terror”

A couple of months ago my restaurant was hired to cater an off-site event. I was “asked” by my manager to work as a cater waiter at the event. She said, “Okay, it’s going to be you, Ronnie, Jasmine, and Myya working the event for Details Magazine.” That’s one classy sounding group of girls if you ask me. She said, “wear black v-necks and dark jeans that are you know…” – she then did an hour-glass motion with her hands. Containing my superfluous armory of snark, I flared my nostrils, pursed my lips, gave a long blink, and nodded my head.

One week later, and the event arrived. We walked from Rockefeller Center to a nearby clothing store.  Between the four of us, two had to be “bartenders” and two had to be the servers. On par with my dearth of luck, I was the server. As I was walking through the crowd of people with my tray of jalapeño poppers, I saw a guy I went to high school with. At the moment, all I could remember about him was that he went to college at my safety school (along with 15% of my graduating class) and he once got a ticket for public urination. He’s not the first person I’ve run into while wearing my waitress costume, but seeing him triggered a brief rumination and infuriation that can be summed up in, “How the fuck do you have a real person job? This is bullshit.” Despite my efforts to avoid him, he approached me and astutely inquired, “What are you doing here?” Containing my superfluous armory of snark, I flared my nostrils, pursed my lips, gave a long blink, and gave a polite response.

KV

While I cannot give insight as to why he has a job and I do not, I can provide the moral of this story. That is, that dumber people will inevitably be successful before I am, and I will learn to deal with it as it happens – probably by deactivating my Facebook account.  On the upside, it makes for a good story.

On the next episode of “I Do Nothing at My Internship”: Danielle recounts her co-servers story about his time working at Bubba Gump Shrimp.

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How To Not Get Hired

The process of interviewing for a job is a lot like being on the show, “The Voice.”

  1. Thanks to YouTube, your talents are recognized and they invite you to audition
  2. With their backs facing you, you perform so they can hear you “sing”
  3. If they liked what they heard, their chairs turn around so they can look at you
  4. Then they put you on the show
  5.  You lose or…
  6.  You win and no one hears from you again

On the off chance that Christina Aguilera and Cee-Lo aren’t vying for your vocal chords, the job process goes as follows:

  1. Your parents tell you to apply for a job
  2. You go onto LinkedIn
  3. You apply for a job
  4. If you aren’t a complete fuck-up, you get an email asking when they can call you for a phone interview
  5. If the phone interview goes well, they invite you to come into the office and meet with the people you would potentially be working with
  6. Then they drag it out for two weeks and tell you that they decided to hire someone internally
  7. Rinse (cry) and repeat

Step 6 happened yesterday.

I wish I didn’t have to hold back and be professional when talking with recruiters/interviewers. I want to be real with them and be able to say, “Listen sister (or brother), Let’s not beat around the bush here. No one likes bullshit. I’m not going to apply for a job that I am underqualified for and you wouldn’t have brought me in here if you didn’t think I was qualified. I know you know I’m not stupid. I will do this job better than anyone else. I’m a buried fucking treasure. You can take my word for it. Thank you.” Maybe I’ll change my cover letter to just that followed by my second favorite quote when it comes to writing*,

“Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.”

-William Strunk Jr., Elements of Style

I think my next blog post will just be a screenshot of my resume.

* My first favorite quote regarding writing is by one of my favorite authors, KV, “Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.”

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