Monthly Archives: January 2013

(I Can’t Get No) Gratification

I was riding the subway a few days ago, and I saw that the nine-year-old boy next to me was playing Slots on his phone. I have to say, that has to be the least gratifying thing in the world. I mean, you “pull” the lever and then, best case scenario, you get three in a row and you win absolutely nothing. I was so frustrated for the kid, and he was having the time of his life. Despite, my instant cynicism, the dumbass on the subway proved that things are as good as what you make of them. He could have been sitting on the subway staring at the person staring at him (me), but instead he was playing Slots and enjoying his ride.

I thought I was an “in the moment” kind of person, but lately I’ve been stuck fantasizing about the future and dreading the present. No bueno. At this rate, I will literally enjoy nothing ever. I have been demoting myself to strive for satisfaction rather than gratification (as a point of reference, in my dictionary, to satisfy is to settle and to gratify is to indulge and enjoy – one step beyond satisfaction I guess). Hmmm, so how to enjoy two unrewarding “jobs” and the broke (not the poor) life? For starters every day, I’m going to achieve satisfaction and strive for gratification. I should stop myself here. I’m not one of those people that can just change their cynical and self-deprecating ways. I’m far too stubborn for that, and comical self-deprecation is kind of my thing. Not trying to give that up. So for now, I’ll just make sure to write a little every day so when people ask me what I’m doing, I can say I’m a writer without feeling guilty enough to correct myself and say, “Well I’m a struggling writer, except I haven’t struggled yet, since I haven’t submitted anything to anyone, and I’m not a starving writer because I’m always eating.” Then I just come off as a fat-ass, which is fine. I’ll just tell people that I can’t afford to be a writer yet. Better yet, I’ll say that I’m saving up to become a writer.

I’m going to attempt to enjoy THE RIDE (full circle blog post; don’t act like you’re not impressed) that is my life as a 22 year-old, living in Manhattan, with no man tying her down. GIRL POWER! HOLLA! PEACE!

How I spent my Sunday

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One Day I Hope to be Alicia Keys’ Muse

On my walk to my internship this morning, one of my headphone speakers stopped working (not getting that fixed) so I could only hear half of Elanor Rigby. I hit next and Alicia Keys’ song, “Girl on Fire” came on my Spotify, and all I could think was, “In my biopic, there needs to be a montage where I start getting all my shit together, and this song needs to be playing during it.” My vision was curtailed when I accidentally hit the next button and a Ke$ha song came on. I hope none of her songs are used in my biopic, especially her latest gem entitled, “Die Young.” Whenever one of her songs came on at a party, my friend would instantly drop to the floor and begin to convulse to the beat while sort of spitting our her “lyrics.” That’s all I really think when I hear Ke$ha. I doubt her intentions are to make her audiences think. I doubt she thinks.

Last night, I “made” my roommates watch the American Idol auditions with me. There was this one kid from Cuba at the end who had a debilitating stutter when he spoke, but when he sang, it was like the voice of an angel, a Cuban angel. At the same time, my roommates and I said, “He’s totally faking it!” At another moment one roommate alone said, “I have this magnetic attraction to Nicki Minaj right now.” I think that’s the first time anyone has said that. The back-stories that come attached to the contestants on any show work on me. I particularly liked last night’s contestant who hadn’t sang in front of anyone before – not even his parents. Nicki Minaj was struck with a profound empathy by his story. She said that it took her just as long to perform for her mom. I mean, what was going to happen? A five year old wearing a blond wig and a leopard print onesie, shouting, “Lemme put this pussy on your sideburn!” Come on.

What do you know, Minaj and Ke$ha are the only words Microsoft considers as errors. Also, can Coke sponsor me now that I plugged American Idol?

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“True Terror”

A couple of months ago my restaurant was hired to cater an off-site event. I was “asked” by my manager to work as a cater waiter at the event. She said, “Okay, it’s going to be you, Ronnie, Jasmine, and Myya working the event for Details Magazine.” That’s one classy sounding group of girls if you ask me. She said, “wear black v-necks and dark jeans that are you know…” – she then did an hour-glass motion with her hands. Containing my superfluous armory of snark, I flared my nostrils, pursed my lips, gave a long blink, and nodded my head.

One week later, and the event arrived. We walked from Rockefeller Center to a nearby clothing store.  Between the four of us, two had to be “bartenders” and two had to be the servers. On par with my dearth of luck, I was the server. As I was walking through the crowd of people with my tray of jalapeño poppers, I saw a guy I went to high school with. At the moment, all I could remember about him was that he went to college at my safety school (along with 15% of my graduating class) and he once got a ticket for public urination. He’s not the first person I’ve run into while wearing my waitress costume, but seeing him triggered a brief rumination and infuriation that can be summed up in, “How the fuck do you have a real person job? This is bullshit.” Despite my efforts to avoid him, he approached me and astutely inquired, “What are you doing here?” Containing my superfluous armory of snark, I flared my nostrils, pursed my lips, gave a long blink, and gave a polite response.

KV

While I cannot give insight as to why he has a job and I do not, I can provide the moral of this story. That is, that dumber people will inevitably be successful before I am, and I will learn to deal with it as it happens – probably by deactivating my Facebook account.  On the upside, it makes for a good story.

On the next episode of “I Do Nothing at My Internship”: Danielle recounts her co-servers story about his time working at Bubba Gump Shrimp.

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Golden Globe Reflections and Ponderings

Here are some of my top moments from the 2013 Golden Globes:

  1. “Everyone’s getting a little loose now that we’re all losers!” – Amy Poehler
  2. Paul Rudd’s teleprompter impromptu
  3. “That was Hillary Clinton’s husband!” – Amy Poehler
  4. Everyone’s delayed reactions to jokes they don’t get once they realize the camera is on them
  5. “Me too. I used to win prizes for that too” – Tina Fey’s response to Julianne Moore’s nomination for her portrayal of Sarah Palin
  6. “Kristin Wiiieegg” and “Will Pharrell” presenting nominees
  7. Tommy Lee Jones hating everything

Food for thought: T. Swift, don’t be disappointed that Adele beat you at something singing related. It will happen over and over again so better get used to it now.

These are funny too! http://mashable.com/2013/01/14/golden-globes-gifs/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

Credit to Mashable for sharing this.

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I think it would be fun to produce an award show. Actually that would be too stressful. I want to be the person that gets to laugh and say, “Oh they looked pissed, cut to them!” The position would require someone who is up to date with their celebrity gossip so when Tina Fey says, “You know what Taylor Swift, you stay away from Michael J. Fox’s son…she needs some “me time” to learn about herself,” you can assume Taylor Swift is going to HATE it and everyone else wants to see her reaction. I don’t know the technical name for this position, but I think I’ll call it the Puss Spotter. A Puss Spotter also needs to be prepared. He/She needs to be able to anticipate a joke. For example, after Jodie Foster’s long-ass therapy session speech, a good Puss Spotter should expect a joke from the host such as, “Just making sure…Jodie Foster is a lesbian, right” – or something of that nature.

Watching all of my dream women on stage last night reinvigorated my fading dream to be a comedy writer. When I moved to Manhattan in July, I was energized, inspired, and confident. I had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life, but working at the restaurant started to depress me and caused me to change my dream. It seemed like being a successful television writer was impossible at worst and unrewarding at best. I decided to walk the streets dreamless and just see what happens. I cannot say one way or the other which I prefer – having a dream to work towards or to keep truckin’ and hope a dream will appear without even realizing it. I guess I’ll let you know once I know.

I can say this though with great confidence, it is better to be dreamless and hopeful than dreamful and hopeless. I have been both.

This may sound dramatic which, if you ask any of my friends, is a word no one would use to describe me, but I was almost brought to tears the two times Lena Dunham walked to the stage to accept her well-deserved Golden Globes: 1) Because watching her waddle in her heels TWICE was as painful as getting toothpaste in your eye and 2) Because of her genuine gratitude and humbleness She’s the woman!

The combination of Amy Poehler and Tina Fey delivering on their hosting duties, Lena Dunham and Adele winning has resulted in a dream reinspired– a word that Microsoft word does not recognize, because it isn’t a real word and also hasn’t been added in my Word dictionary yet. Glad I can add it. Now the question is, “where to start?”

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Story Time

My friend once told me that he knew this guy that was applying to Harvard, and one of the supplemental questions read, “What is the riskiest thing you’ve ever done.” The kid filled out the question in red crayon and wrote, “This is the riskiest thing I’ve ever done.” I would have written skydiving or getting a free tattoo. Then again, he went to Harvard and well, I didn’t. No regrets.

How To Not Get Hired

The process of interviewing for a job is a lot like being on the show, “The Voice.”

  1. Thanks to YouTube, your talents are recognized and they invite you to audition
  2. With their backs facing you, you perform so they can hear you “sing”
  3. If they liked what they heard, their chairs turn around so they can look at you
  4. Then they put you on the show
  5.  You lose or…
  6.  You win and no one hears from you again

On the off chance that Christina Aguilera and Cee-Lo aren’t vying for your vocal chords, the job process goes as follows:

  1. Your parents tell you to apply for a job
  2. You go onto LinkedIn
  3. You apply for a job
  4. If you aren’t a complete fuck-up, you get an email asking when they can call you for a phone interview
  5. If the phone interview goes well, they invite you to come into the office and meet with the people you would potentially be working with
  6. Then they drag it out for two weeks and tell you that they decided to hire someone internally
  7. Rinse (cry) and repeat

Step 6 happened yesterday.

I wish I didn’t have to hold back and be professional when talking with recruiters/interviewers. I want to be real with them and be able to say, “Listen sister (or brother), Let’s not beat around the bush here. No one likes bullshit. I’m not going to apply for a job that I am underqualified for and you wouldn’t have brought me in here if you didn’t think I was qualified. I know you know I’m not stupid. I will do this job better than anyone else. I’m a buried fucking treasure. You can take my word for it. Thank you.” Maybe I’ll change my cover letter to just that followed by my second favorite quote when it comes to writing*,

“Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.”

-William Strunk Jr., Elements of Style

I think my next blog post will just be a screenshot of my resume.

* My first favorite quote regarding writing is by one of my favorite authors, KV, “Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.”

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A Quick Peek Into 2013

Wow the New Year! Big things are happening. My apartment smells like New Years Day – stale sex and Fritos. In my last post, I talked about how life would feel more balanced once my adult life retained certain parts of my college life. Well, considered me balanced. I’m sitting on my living room* on my carpet** next to our Christmas tree typing this blog post while listening in on the profound conversational stylings of my 5 guy friends (two of whom are my roommates, one of whom is my ex-boyfriend):

Gabe: We shouldn’t be shit heads today

Collective groan

Nathan: I don’t know whose jacket this is but I’m snuggling with it

Gabe: Don’t cum on it, Nathan

Ezra: Who wants to see Les Mis?

Tyler: We should go bowling. We should go skeet shooting.

Gabe: I’m making us dinner reservations.

Tyler: We should play ping-pong…

And so on and so forth. This is my life.

I woke up this morning with my best friend in my bed, wearing the same dress she was wearing last night. When I opened my eyes she asked, “Why is this part of the bed wet?” I didn’t respond and went back to sleep. Three hours later, I wake up again, walk into my living room to find the previously mentioned guys – one on the recliner, one on the couch and one sleeping upright.

One of my roommates kept some of us awake with some ungodly sex noises last night/this morning. “It was like National Geographic but I couldn’t change the channel,” recalled Ezra. I decided that he owed all seven of us a nice bagel shmorgishborg for breakfast.

Currently, the boys and myself are each holding a piece of paper with a number on it. The number represents our spot in line for the shower. My roommate and his lady friend just finished their shower. As we all turned to look at them take the walk back to his bedroom*** Gabe said, “Only judgments await you out here!”

I don’t think this group is going anywhere today.

2013 is feeling a lot like college. The New Year has thus far kicked off with a promising start.

* You have to form a single file line if more than one person plans on walking through it

**Our carpet is actually those foam puzzle pieces that day cares use because they’re easy to clean/remove when a two year old pees on it. We have it for the same reason.

*** We converted our actual living room into a bedroom, so the only things separating our makeshift living room from his bedroom, are a bookshelf and a curtain. Both have proven to be ineffective as noise barriers.

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